Meetings, Men, and Mothers OH MY!

The three big M's in my life at the moment! Hahaha. Damn I feel like there is so much going on I'm kind of getting to the point where I'M wondering how I do it all! I been having such a whirlwind of varying emotions this week any where from lovey dovey to doom and gloom; happy confident to depressed and unsure. Its all over the place and I don't think its cause I'm unstable mentally or anything... its just things keep popping up, things change, people change, people show you their true colors and I'm just sick of all this change but you know at least I'm learning to deal with it. I'm going to break down my entry today into these three big M's and this post may get long and rambly...  but I'm bored at work so hear me out as I vent/complain/worry and such because I don't want to break down to any potential guys just yet haha.

1) Meetings
Today is a very VERY big day for me and I'm freaking out. Today I meet with my committee for my thesis. I'm nervous because I STILL have yet to receive comments on my literature review which was supposed to be final and one of the people on my committee is one of the professor's who is strongly urging me to switch advisors. I'm really nervous cause I don't want to talk to her about it until I know how she liked my review and I hear back from any one willing to take on a Master's student. I have heard from one new faculty that he is interested in meeting with me but he wants a PhD student. At this point I'm debating just going for it... problem is I worry that if I do go for it... will I be doomed to be a college professor forever? Do I want to do that? Do I want the ability to research and teach at the same time.. you know it just kind of dawned on me its a possibility. My BIGGEST issue with that is this... I want a family when I eventually get married. I can NOT wait to be a mom. And I worry cause some professors are just so busy and its just so crazy to see them try and have lives while doing it! I think I need to speak with a career counselor about that cause like i said having a family is a HUGE deal to me and I don't want a career to come in the way of that. Either way I'm just all up in knots over this meeting today! I really hope it doesn't turn into a all out every man for themselves' brawl about what I should be doing next or worse the option about me switching or being let go comes up and I lose pay for the summer... until someone can take me on. I'm debating should I continue to e-mail other advisors too? Hmmm. Either way... this past year has been a lot of work and I know some may feel like it was a waste but I don't see ANYTHING as a waste, this would only be a waste if I quit my degree entirely! But for now its a learning experience that made me learn to be a better scientific writer and well as much as I hated it... I'm glad I learned :)

2) Men
Oh lord... where do I BEGIN!? hahaha. The funny thing is this post pertains to both men and boys. How do I differentiate the two? Men know how to treat women correctly (ie not a sex toy or piece of meat you can fuck and then drop the next day) and also do not bitch like a high school girl (see earlier post about Grow a Pear) and boys... well you get the picture haha! So I have been hanging out with many guys as we all know, and well I've met some boys too obviously or I wouldn't be venting right? hahaha. I love how they stop talking to you as soon as they find out they aren't getting any and then later its like "OH HAI!? CAN HAS SECKS NAOW?!" -_-. Ummmm still a negatory ghost rider! I am not in the whole dating scene for the sex... in fact that is the exact opposite! I do want a relationship and just cause I'm hanging around and waiting does NOT mean that I'm just going around sleeping around. It means I am taking my grand old time with it and I am being patient. Its NOT that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just want to take my time getting to know guys and you can't get to know them on a first date. Granted... I do believe first dates are for putting out the feelers so to speak and seeing if they'd get along with you and if your compatible if there is a spark etc etc. You know? I mean i'm almost 23... granted that is still REALLY young but then again I'm kind of advance for my age I think. I am ready to have a relationship, i'm ready to get engaged, I'm ready to be married... but obviously I don't want to rush that because I want to be confident that I'm not going to divorce them and I think it takes some time to figure out if that will happen... at least a year or so... thats when the real side of your SO comes out although some guys are apparently REALLY good at supressing their bad side for longer but you know I feel like I can trust my gut fairly well and right now... its saying wait it out so thats exactly what I'm going to do.

As far as the going between happy and depressed thing though... I gotta say there are times where I'm like.. damn I am enjoying just getting to know people before jumping headlong into a relationship but at the same time... I will get that stab of I really need someone to talk to me right now and I really want a boyfriend who can be here on my off days and just hold me. I really really miss that. I just want someone who will come see me whenever I need them, who will hold me tell me it will be ok, supports me in all of what I want to do. The last thing has ALWAYS been a big problem for me... I have found so many people who are so stuck on their agendas and what THEY want ME to do that they don't think about maybe I want to do what I want to do not what you always want to do. It has NOTHING to do with me being selfish or me not caring about you because even if the person I love wants to do somethign I'm not to fond of and its something they really want to do... I'd support them through it... I wouldn't make them follow MY agenda. Even in a marriage I don't think thats right. If its what my partner wants (outside polygamy i don't tolerate that hahah) then I will support them cause it makes them happy... and i expect my partner to do the same for me. Is it so hard to ask for someone willing to help me through my tough times and will talk to me. I also want to feel those butterflies I had for the past relationships I had... but I don't want what happened to them to follow and I think thats the problem... I'm so just not trusting at the moment and I think its clouding my judgement. But for once in my life i'm listening to my gut so i'm going to just listen to it. I just hope other people respect the fact that i'm listening to my gut and doing what i want rather than doing what is on their agenda as far as I go.

3) Mothers
Where would I be without my momma. :) Um I wouldn't exist thats for sure hahaha. I love my mom sooo much. She is always there, she is always right, you know what its like. And I think its just that I'm SO freaking excited to one day be a mom. I think that is probably the most rewarding job at all. I wouldn't mind not having a career to be a mom. But at the same time I want a career so I can provide an awesome life for my kids whenver I have them. I think that is one thing I am using as a big judgement in who I date... is I want to be with someone who loves kids as much as I do but at the same time... i don't want to date someone who has kids already... i'm not really at that age I don't think. But I just can't wait to experience it all. I will feel fully accomplished when that day arrives :).

Yeah all these three M's definitely coincide with each other and run alot in between. I just am so... confused I guess about what I want but I hope someone eventually can show me that what I want exists and that they are willing to go the distance for me :) I will be in heaven the day that that comes.

And a BIG shout out goes to the ladies of MSOS... without them... I'd still be in my shitty relationship, still sulking, and forever hopeless about my life. :) I may not be a military SO any more... but you know its nice to know that there are ladies there who will always have your back and are there to support you :). Shout out to my bffffffffff she knows who she is :P. I love you girl and I miss living with you... we need to live together and share our lives again! :D

Until next time readers :)

Success Part 2? haha

Well I had to submit yet again (surprise) my literature review today at like 12. I think i am pretty happy with it. As happy as I will ever be with it until I can switch advisors. Which by the way I got the go ahead to start searching for a new advisor... problem is i have yet to find someone with the funds and time willing to take on a new master's student. :-\ Oh well gotta keep trying thats for sure!

I'm debating getting my hair cut up to my jaw line... I think it'd look cute but at the same time... i don't want it to look weird hahaha. I ALSO want to get my nose pierced... but i don't want my parents to freak not that I should really care... I am almost 23 after all... its just i don't like them getting on my case about crap know what I mean? Hahaha I could do without it. But I also want a tattoo... decisions decisions thats for sure!

Still having luck in the love life! :) Taking it nice and slow! So proud of myself. Granted there are some guys that I would date/go out with exclusively in a heart beat but I'm kind of taking the time to make sure I get to know who they are. I think its cause I have come to the conclusion I want someone who is ready to take that next step. I'm ready to find my one and only and you know within the next 10 years start a family and I feel like I'm wasting my time by not being with him but at the same time I don't want to marry the next guy that asks me on a date hahaha. Obviously gotta take my time on that one. So I think I'm ready... bring on the serious men looking for their one and only and want kids too :).

Early morning sampling tomorrow for school *dead* can't wait... off to go clean my apartment now! Ex's sister is FINALLY coming to pick up his car! :D I can't wait to have all of his stuff and his negative crap out of my life. I have been so much happier with out that stuff! Now I won't have to worry about any of it at all now.

Epic WIN!

:D AAAAAAAHHHHHH sweet success is in the air. Even though I didn't really get to completely finish my lit review like I know she probably wants... I think I did a whole lot in general! And I had my review this morning for how I have been doing as a student and they see I am not doing anything wrong its just... yeeeeeeeeeah. <3 I am so happy finally and I maybe FINALLY getting a new phone and that SUPER DUPER excites me cause I hate this stupid blackberry with a passion. I am debating on an iphone or a droid *thinking* hmmmm I dunno I will have to go and play with them and figure out what I want but I'm thinking its going to be iphone FTW :P.

Back to love life... well you know its been great! I have been talking to some cool people... some not so cool people... but you know it is what it is. I've been super proud of myself I have been very cautious and not quick to jump into a relationship this time. Its just not worth it you know? I feel kind of bad that some of these guys are like yo relationship now but at the same time if they really liked me I think they'd let me have my space. Either way I don't really care about making other people happy atm I am just trying to do what is right for myself and that may mean hurting some other people's feelings but you know it is what it is honestly.

There is definitely someone though that I am thinking maybe right for me. Its definitely been a so far so good. And it is super refreshing to hear encouragement in my field and the offering of help as well. It really means a lot to me especially because obviously the last boyfriend absolutely hated my job and wanted me to quit for various reasons. And well to put it bluntly I don't quit. I try to find alternative means to get what i want (legally and fairly of course :P). And any ways thats what a partner/relationship is for right? Support and encouragement right?

I am not settling any time soon though... not until my net has been sufficiently cast and I feel certain in my decision. I think this is because ultimately... I do want to find a husband soonish but I'm not going to rush into anything obviously because that is a big deal and I wont' be an idiot and rush into a marriage just to find out a divorce is needed hahaha. I like to count my chickens (hehe) before going to market hahaha.

Well until next time readers... adios :)

Things are going well!

The literature review is due on the 10th! I am proud to say that I have cut my distractions almost in half if not all of them this past week ;). I am starting to finally feel confident in getting this work finished. I am really panicing about the review of my year though but they told me just say whats on my mind and I should be ok :). I am also nervous what she is going to say but at least I will have all my work done. If she has a problem with it... oooooh dept. chair! Hahaha.

So onto my love life. So I have been single for over a month now. That is almost a record for me sadly hahahaha. But you know what... this is the FIRST time I have been happy with where I am and happy to not have someone else to deal with. I don't need extra super drama in my life. Thats the last thing I need and as we saw earlier... it super duper kept me busy and distracted when there was fighting and crap. I am determined this time to date people and see what I like and what I don't like. I'm not committing to ANY ONE for awhile unless it feels super right. While I will admit there are a few people who have really caught my eye... I'm not any where near ready to commit to any one. Its going to take some super getting to know them before I really do so. I told at least one of them if not all of them that I'm determined that the next person I date should be the one which is why I'm being super picky and maybe even a little judgemental too.

I think the best thing about dating around is you pick out all the jealous types super early :P. If they get all antsy when they find out I am seeing a lot of people and get all possessive its easy "BYE!" hahahaha. I hang out with guys and I do still talk to old flings or exes so I mean they gotta be able to handle that hahaha. I'm not looking to please any one but myself for now. I have put so much effort and energy into all my past relationships without asking for anything and its about time I learn to ask for some help and love before I give it hahaha.

I am really excited about where my life has been heading and I can only hope that it continues to go up from here and maybe in the next few months someone will finally prove to me that there is a MAN out there for me... because I am really tired of dating boys :P

Very appropriate for some guys I meet and what turns me off... gotta love some of Ke$ha's stuff hahaha.

You should know
That I love you alone
But I just can’t date a dude with a vag

When we fell in love
You made my heart drop
And you had me thinking ‘bout you nonstop
That you cried ‘bout this and whine about that
When you grow a pear
You can call me back

Yeah I think you’re hot
I think you’re alright
But you’re acting like the chick all the time
You are cool and now you’re not just like that
When you grow a pear
You can call me back