Holy cow!

Hahahahaha so about how I'm bad with keeping up on things... :P

Lets see if I can get a basic rundown of everything that has happened:

- The new friend... her name is Doodle and she has been living with me for a few months now and is a big girl kittie now.
- All but Smokey the rat has passed over the rainbow bridge.
- Three new baby ratties (Larry, Curly, and Mo)
- Inky is still good
- Still single (9 months and proud of all that i have accomplished)
- Trials for experiments are done
- Beginnging to write my journal article and thesis
- Beyonce Performance is THIS weekend!
- Lost some bad weight and gained muscle weight :)

Hmmm I think thats about it.

Shockingly *sarcasm* still single. As much as I love having a stable cuddle buddy... i'm not too disappointed. I've met people offline recently and its still not much better. Its so funny how weird this area is dating wise. Just can't find that many good men and the ones you do find are taken, not interested, or they are REALLY good at lying.

I've been thinking about looking for PhD programs in entomology too! Going back to my roots I think is what i really need to do, I miss the bug work... that and its so much easier/more jobs will be available probably in that field haha. Now I just gotta figure out what branch to go into with Entomology hahaha. I know not pest control... too crazy and silly. I'm thinking maybe taxonomy or insect nutrition but I guess we'll see :).

Possible new friend!

I can't decide what I might name her but I think she is going to come home to me next week :D Yayyyyy We shall see!

Gaga is Over :(

Wow I can't believe these 10 weeks have flown by! After that crazy hurricane Irene plowed through and cancelled our first performance we were tasked with only performing once and making it count. All I gotta say is I think we nailed it! I am going to miss all my fellow monsters and dancing every Sunday with them and our instructor who is so awesome. But he told us he is going to try to put together a Britney class for the spring! :D YAYYYYYYY I cannot wait for that! But for now I'm going to be in the Beyonce class for the fall semester!

In other news my experiment was not postponed... we ended up throwing it together really quickly over the course of Thursday and we somehow managed to make this work! I can not believe that all this worked out for the best! We have birds, I am making final cuts today and then next monday we are ending Trial one then its time to get trial two underway. So here is to hoping it goes well.

Well until the Beyonce starts up I'm going to have to take a dance class with my instructor to keep me busy and I might start joining this one class every week as well since its only a few bucks for students! :P Plus I can't not dance with my instructor... he is too awesome to pass up and I need him in my life to make my life more fun and enjoyable... especially after this mess with school.

School starts Wednesday! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm not ready to add school back to my schedule yet :( hahaha.

My monsters!

Hahahahaha Me and the gals and our instructor lmao

A Pointless and Stupid Rant

Hello everybody! Well here I am, close to having started my experiment... however the analyses came back and my diets I made look like shit and we have no idea what the issue is but it appears that i made an error and I can assure you I did no such thing on this big of a project. Well any who it is looking like my experiment will be held back. Then I am running this procedure today and I get poked and prodded at for like absolutely nothing! I think the way this lab works abslutely stinks and it is so wrong to work it this way! Everything is rushed and everything is pressure and blah blah blah. I think that makes it way way worse than it is! I mean I tend to make more mistakes the more worried I am about making a mistake whereas if i had a chillax lab I think I'd have a pretty decent outcome!

Well in other news I have all but given up on men for the most part. My new guy friend is really the only person I have met online that is a great guy and we both have some feelings towards each other. Everyone else either 1) I'm not interested in 2) they aren't interested in me or 3) they only want sex. :-\ Ugh I just wish that I could find one decent guy who both of us had mutual feelings for each other and call it a day. But I've been wondering if I'm even cut out for dating any more. This feeling of hopelessness has got to the point where I don't even know if I even believe in love any more. Like at all. It has been THAT bad. I can't remember that feeling of happiness or butterflies any more and I'm wondering if it was all in my head or if I just have got to the point where its just not going to happen any more.

Sorry to be a debbie downer... its just been a rough week and a rough single life it feels like.

But in happy news... Lady Gaga performance is this weekend! And then I move up to Beyonce class!!! :D

I hate bad days

Bad days really really SUCK. What sucks worse when you have no one at home to talk to and you just get into that hopeless rut. I felt like I was in that all freaking day long. I ended up coming home and pretty much crying my freaking eyes out and that hasn't happened to me a lot as of recent. I rarely have my crying fits any more which is great but sometimes they just NEED to happen. I think its great that I can handle myself well but this time I just needed someone to come and hang out and let me just get it out. Luckily I made a new friend recently who has been super fun to hang out with, he keeps me company, we can talk just about anything, and he just let me talk and vent and eventually i burst into tears which I feel bad about cause I usually don't let people in on my emotions like that unless i'm close to them but he dealt with it so I'm impressed hahaha he didn't run and leave me there crying and instead we got pizza and drinks and talked about anything and everything hahaha. It was just what the doctor ordered! :) Granted I have severely fallen behind on unpacking but you know... whateves hahaha. I'll finish it soon enough i suppose. Maybe I'll finish it this week. I can only hope so.

So I went to the reptile show this weekend... and I got the cutest baby poison dart froggies EVERRRRR. They are super adorable and I love em. My gecko died as well p.s. and I got some guppies as well but thats really the only change to my line up i have made haha. I almost add a baby hairless rat to the mix as well but i some how declined taking the little non-fuzz ball home hahaha. Maybe next time. Unfortunately Bandit isn't doing so well... I have a feeling he is going to kick the bucket soon or I'm going to have to do it for him at the vets office :(. Oh well as long as he is happy I am ok. If he stops eating I'll know what to do unfortunately.

Ok well its late... i have a potentially long day tomorrow. Hopefully a nice date as well and we shall see what happens!

Long time no talk!

All in all life has been insane since I last posted, I had moving, my experiment, and dating, and boys and all sorts of stuff to worry about. Not to mention my wallet got stolen among some other real winner things. Here are some major chnages that have happened to me:

- I moved to a way larger apartment! I'm loving it and so is Inky!
- Dumble the rat passed away. :( RIP
- Dance class choreo is done and now I am starting the whole show by myself featured as the Lovegame Lady Gaga!
- Dating life died down a lot which was a great break and now its picked back up again weirdly enough!
- Found out some guys liked me that I thought had lost interest due to lack of communication :D
- One of my BFF's moved into the area recently so YAYYYYY
- Been out living it up with friends and doing some hardcore hanging out and partying and dancing
- Life with the advisor has been ok, I stood up for myself and I think I'm getting more respected and now that she is gone and I am showing her i have a handle on things it's working out better.

I still have ALOT of unpacking to do but my place is turning out to be pretty damn classy if i do say so myself.

Well I unfortunately have a lot to do and not a lot of time to update and not much else to think about so I'm probably going to end it here for now and try to get back into the swing of writing in here again. :) Until next time!

I've got the juice bumps!

Hehehe Rugrats movie reference hahaha. Anyways. So I got cancelled on again with J :-\ which kinda sucks cause apparently his brother got into a car crash but I can understand that I suppose. So what happened next was weird but I really liked it... So back when Jason and I were dating, he was on this tour thing, he had a room mate that I talked to every once in awhile. Then I found out Jason was not truthful with me about him being divorced and this room mate talked me down and vouched for Jason. There also were a few other occasions we chatted about things, mainly about stuff Jason pulled and such. Well so I deleted all the friends I had that involved Jason and I get a friend request yesterday from D (the room mate). I talked to him and we talked about things that have gone on since we had last talked. So I saw him on facebook again today and i told him my plans got cancelled and he was bored too so we decided that maybe we should hang out tonight. Now we had never actually met in person but we talked quite a bit. So we met up for dinner and he made the mention "You know I know this is the first time we have met in person but it feels like we have met before." I felt like that was kind of cute :) hehehe. We ended up eating dinner and chilling out watching the children running around which was cute. Then we went back to the cars, since he had plans later that night with friends stopping by. We had that awkward hug good bye and a security guard rode by to say hi which made it awkward. Well then we leave and I get this cute text from him that says, "I wanted to kiss you but i got nervous I'm sorry". He is so cute! I told him it was no biggie and he said ok well then next time. :#) He was really cute. Wouldn't it be super weird if we ended up dating? Hah oh the irony! I gotta admit I kind of like him... maybe even have a little crush on him.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up... but I guess we will see how it goes. It will go where it goes and I'm interested to see where it goes. :) Hehehehe. Until later! I can't wait to go to dance class tomorrow!

Its been 4 months

It has been almost 4 months since I broke up with Jason. I can not believe that I had to deal with what I did and I made it out! Its even crazier that I have finally taken the time and made the commitment to myself to not settle for another boyfriend. Its about time that I did this. This has literally been the longest time I have been single since before my first boyfriend in MIDDLE SCHOOL! 0_0 I know right? But you know what at least I'm enjoying it. Even one of my friends told me recently I seem to be embracing the single life which is the way to go. I am so happy :).

I just got my appointment for counseling! Granted it was for helping out with what happened between Jason and I but now I have one for career counseling which is REALLY what I need right now. I have to start thinking about my next step which is crazy for me to think about! I feel like I JUST went through this. Hahaha. Oh well better to have help now finally!

So I went to this death metal concert last night. Normally its not my scene but I can't help it when one of the guys I'm crushing on invited me out to it. :) He was so freaking adorable! Agghhhhhh We snuggled alot afterwards and its so comforting I feel all warm and snuggly! Hehehe well I also have a date coming up with the other guy I have been crushing on :) Its been so good so far I feel like my patience is finally paying off! :) Yippee!!!!

Ok well I need to clean up I feel kinda gross and I really feel like having a good old shower :)

Its Official...

We are most likely performing our Lady Gaga routine in heels. He is thinking boots with heels I want him to tell us what exactly though because I wanna get shopping and practicing in those shoes! Especially after we just started learning Alejandro. And boy lemme tell ya this song is going to be ridiculous. We are dancing it basically in double time! We are almost done with Alejandro and then next we have Telephone, Born this Way, and Judas. Then all the other songs are just transition songs. I don't know what all the transition songs are but I know now his "vision" is to go from old to new Gaga as a timeline and create the "monsters" ball. Hehehe also apparently they got someone for costumes! AAAAHHHHHH I can't wait! I wanna know what i'm dancing in and start practicing. I also wanna play around with makeup and stuff. I should keep a look out for fun fake lashes for it. I also want to get ideas for how to do her makeup I should start taking stills of some of her looks in music videos.

So I have had a lot of good things happening in the lab as of recent. Most notoriously my advisor is starting to treat me like a regular human being finally! I'm finally getting "thank you"s and "good idea"s. It makes me finally feel like I am finally getting the recognition that I am not a dimwitted child. I am a grown woman in this field and just cause I ask questions doesn't mean I don't know anything, I ask questions cause I want to know more. I don't want to have to sit there and assume whey we are doing certain things and then end up being wrong about it. I learned a new procedure on Thursday and I also helped figure out a pretty big flaw in our phosphorus sources which was good cause I didn't know how else to fix my problem. She also has been actually teaching me how to do things to her liking which is a huge step in the right direction.

Well I'll be moving here soon! I can't believe that I have already been here a month and that i'm moving already! I just bought my new vacuum cleaner to help move out and i am so freaking excited about using it although i have had little luck having time to clean from all the excitement in my life hahaha. So lets see what has happened since I last wrote. Well I went on a few dates, some were not so memorable or I don't hear from them any more and then there is one I'm looking forward to this week and I had a great time with one last week! In fact he ended up inviting me over to his place Saturday night to hang out with him and a bunch of his friends which was a lot of fun! Even though I had a massive train failure on my part trying to get out there hahaha. I've been having a lot of luck recently with meeting good guys for a change. I dunno what I have been doing... maybe its cause I just stop talking to some less savory types of men early on. IDK. But either way I am super excited for the end of the week. I've been meeting lots of cool people and going out and doing things that I wanna do. I feel bad when I flake though like I did yesterday but at some point I just need to take a day to myself. I just get so freaking exhausted like yesterday I needed to nap hardcore I felt so much better after I did :P.

Exercising has kind of been taking a back seat... I really need to get back into it I have been pretty good at it though or if i miss it i try to do a walk or something similar to make up for it even if its only for a short time hahaha.

Man there is NOTHING going on today. I think I am going to fiddle with some numbers make my week calendar of stuff to do and head out early. I need to start setting up my moving stuff, primarily moving renter's insurance, setting up electricity and gas, cable, address change, and probably a truck rental. I also need to comandeer some friends for moving help. Should probably start think about sending out a mass e-mail soon. And I need to find out if after I spackle stuff if I need to repaint the walls. Hmmm well off to fiddle with numbers then I am probably going food shopping I really need to get some grocery shopping done again haha.

Holey Moley!

I have literally been non-stop since my last dance class. With my advisor coming back, to dates, to just pure MADNESS. I have been writing and writing but I feel like I am actually getting somewhere this time at least! I feel like this protocol is so easy but at the same time I don't want that to cloud my judgement and cruise on it.

So lets see what has all happened... well on Thursday I had a great date but I ended up talking on the phone with some jerk off dude who literally told me he knew more about my project than he did because he watched TV shows on the subject *rolls eyes* he ALSO is one of those 9/11 conspiracy guys and was telling me that I was just a "stupid" civilian. I'm sorry but I have to stand up for myself and all the other civilians out there... but just cause we are civilians does not make us incompetent, in fact the military relies on civlians for several jobs as one of my new friends put it. So with out us there would really not be a job for you to do... so crazy marine.... fuck you, I know what the fuck I'm talking about and when you get a credible source to back up your "theories" about the poultry industry you may come back to talk to me. Also when you learn to spell "cause" when your trying to tell me to grow up would help as well cause its hard to read the writing of a 2 year old who wants to have an adult conversation. I know real gem right? At least I got rid of that crazy and I ended up going on a WAY better date any ways the night I was supposed to hang out with him. *lmao* The guy I went on a date with was super sweet and awesome and we went on quite an adventure that involved putt-putt, getting my car stuck in a parking lot, driving too far into dc and missing my exit, and finally going to get it in the morning. The night I had the fight with the other guy I also was on the phone for a LOOOOONG time with another guy who I really like so far. :) I think we really mesh and we can talk openly and about anything so I can't wait to meet him and see what its like in person :D!

In dancing news... I met my instructor. All I can say is I <3 him! He is so freaking awesome and ends up we are learning 11 songs not just 6 so we are doing poker face and paparazzi as well as some others as transitions such as beautiful, dirty, rich. We'll just see. AND we maybe doing this in heels, fishnets, booty shorts, and lingerie! O_O He literally said he hopes "no small children will be present" we did all of just dance on sunday, added chorus to lovegame and started bad romance. I am sooooo freaking excited to get my costume and start doing this more although this means I need to get in shape for me to be able to wear these outfits and look good haha. :)

Speaking of exercise... I have surprisingly been keeping up on 30 day shred! I haven't lost too much weight though which is discouraging but I am losing inches so that must mean I'm gaining muscle then! :D I don't mind that especially since I want to be in better shape and stuff. I can't wait til I get to my goal! I am sad though cause I did lose some of the B's :( but I just need to put more support on so I don't burn fat there from it moving :P bahahaha. I am also debating adding drop in classes to my schedule because honestly dance class is keeping me so motivated now and so happy and I love this feeling of feeling good about myself :D. We'll have to see if I can afford it.

Oh and I have officially bought almost all of E.L.F.'s mineral makeup line for under $80 from various sales and such and I have now replaced all my makeup with this awesome product! I can't wait to get my final box of it and be good to go! Plus I got a whole bunch of stuff that I can now use for the Gaga recital... Maybe I'll offer to do makeup for the show... *thinking* I do know a thing or two about cosmetology... I may have to suggest that to him! Oh no i just realize I should have gotten make up remover! Poop! :-\ Oh well i'll just keep that in mind for the next sale they put on lmao!

I think that is everything! I got a hot date tonight should be great... its a second date and we are going to continue to watch bully beatdown cause i got him hooked on it I also left my sunglasses there last time and i want those back hahaha.

Until next time! I am off to complete a crazy ass week ahead of myself now!

Dance Class is Super AWESOME!

Well I had my first dance class today! It was SO freaking intense! We learned all of Lovegame today and it was so fast paced which is exactly what I wanted to do. The first 20 min was an intense workout in itself! Hahaha. We are doing six songs so we are pretty much learning a new dance every week! Yayyyyyy I love it! We are doing Judas, Bad Romance, Telephone, Lovegame, Just Dance, and maybe Born this Way. I can NOT wait to go back next week in fact I am probably going to get back to practicing here now and continue doing 30 Day Shred! Yayyyy.

Number 23 and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

23. I am beautiful.

I think almost every woman out there has issues with their bodies and beauty. Its hard for me to really accept it for myself as well. But you know, I am. I shouldn't let some guys put me down about it. Plus I love several features about myself. I love my smile, my eyes, and my face. Granted I'm not as happy with my body but I'm ready to fix that and stop complaining about my body and do something about it. Plus confidence really shows when you feel good about yourself. While I may not about my weight at the moment... I still feel pretty damn confident that I know I do look pretty good. ;) I just wish girls would see that they are all beautiful in their own special ways. The only reason why they don't get boyfriends isn't because they aren't beautiful, or they are too fat. Its because they lack so much confidence in themselves that it makes them appear unattractive. And believe me I know this. The most attractive guys in the world become ugly as hell if their personality sucks. Its physical attraction at first all the time, then after that its all about the personality and how they carry themselves. It goes back to that whole thing where if a guy thinks he isn't good enough its cause he doesn't believe in himself thus making him more unnattractive... in my opinion at least. I can't stand guys who are just really mean and obnoxious as well as guys who are so freaking hard on themselves. Can't they just get over themselves. It has nothing to do with them its about the relationships they have had and the chemistry between the two people.

In other news its my Birthday! Yayyyyyy! Even better I get all the way until tomorrow afternoon off so I get to go to Delaware for my birthday with my bff and any one else who is there! Yippee! I can't wait to go out! We picked somewhere to go tomorrow night for my bday and I hope it pans out and turns into a good night. :D yayyyyy. Well I'm going to get packed and ready to go to Delaware! I can't wait to see my friends again :)

Number 22

22. I am strong.

I know I'm strong because I have had to do several things that felt like they would shatter my world but they all in all were the best decisions that I ever made. I am also strong because I have perservered through several less-than-desirable situations. I have been through sexual assault, suffered the aftermath of said assault, several mentally abusive boyfriends, and probably what seems like one of the toughest master's programs out there with the advisor from hell and yet here I am... (almost) unphased, still optimistic about life and still living a normal (as it can get) life. I have never forgotten what people have done to me, I have never forgotten the fear, anger, hurt, and miserable-ness of my past. But the most important thing is that I kept going and I don't EVER let it bring me down. I never let anything stop me. In high school I did want to end it all because I felt like I wasn't worth it, I felt like I was a no one, no one cared about me and I'd never be good at anything and that I will always be second best to everyone. Well I pulled out of that rut clearly. I have never thought about ending it since. Because I know I am worth it, and I know I will be worth it to someone someday. I know that I do have a purpose in this world. I'm not sure what I will accomplish but someday I will know. I know I am meant to do some great things, whether its teaching high school children sciences, teaching college undergrads, or doing important research... I dunno. But I just know that when I find it... I will know exactly what I am supposed to do.

Day 5 with advisor still not here. She is supposed to come in but honestly I have yet to see her and she didn't email me with a possible meeting time. If lunch time rolls around and I don't see her I guess I will head home. This is so frustrating I have no idea what I can be doing while waiting for her to get back I wish there was stuff I COULD be doing but she hasn't given me anything to work on. :-\

I did the first day of 30 Day Shred yesterday... and OUCH! I about puked right in the middle of it so I know I'm doing it right at least. My abs are KILLING me at the moment, it hurts to laugh and sneeze but its fine I know eventually I will lose the weight that I want.
Now: 175 lbs
Goal: 150 lbs

Well birthday is tomorrow! Going to have to figure out if I'm going to do anything tomorrow night or if I'm just going to wait for Friday festivities :P Hahaha.

Number 21

21. I am weird and unique. There is no one else like me.

Hence the sarcastic nature of my blog title. I mean how many girls do you know going for their masters and have an intense interest in animal nutrition and goes out to hunt insects for their collection. And who also has six rats, a gecko, a mouse, and a kitty cat!? Also no one has ever been through my experiences and that makes me different and unique as well. There isn't another Becca like me any where on this planet. I am me and I have my own flaws, stunning features, goods, and bads. And I'm proud of all of them! :D

So I did it... I bit the bullet and bought the 30 Day Shred... I am hoping that by keeping up on here I will keep up with it so feel free to cheer me on. I will add my measurements here too to keep a log and will try to log every Tuesday what is going on. I am determined to lose this weight. I am even going to stop drinking soda! I got to... it probably has me so freaking bloated its not even funny.

Also its the first day of Summer!!!! Happy Litha Everyone! So close to my freaking birthday! I'm so excited it doesn't even feel like my birthday though. Cause I feel like i won't have anything to do or whoever to celebrate it with. :( stupid small apartment. I should just pick a bar and say we are going show up please haha.

ALSO... I bit the bullet again and just signed up for that Lady Gaga dance class... I'm nervous but at the same time I can NOT wait to start. I really hope its a challenge I want to start to dance again... I miss it so freaking much and plus anything with Gaga related can't be boring :P Hahaha and I even have a recital! Yayyyyyyyy hehehe.

Well I think thats enough! I will talk to you later readers! Cheer me on as I lose weight this summer!

Number 18-20 and rant

18. I have loved and lost... and I'm not afraid to do it again!
I'm not going to beat around the bush and say oh em gee your the first person I have ever loved blah blah blah blah. No, I have been in love once maybe twice in my life time. Both have hurt me deeply whether it was them being unsure of their feelings for me or them becoming a little more than obssessed with us being together and taking it to new levels of crazy. But you know is that going to prevent me from wanting to love another? No it makes me want it again and more permanent this time. I love that feeling of love. Am I afraid of loving someone and losing them? For sure! But is that going to stop me? Hell no!

19.  Music is a HUGE part of my life.
Damn straight it is. I have been playing instruments since elementary school from piano to oboe and flute/piccolo in between. I also love dancing to any kind of music in any way shape or form. Music is always always there to make me feel better. When I'm angry I listen to angry music and get it out, when I'm sad I put on some tunes that make me get it out. But then I always follow up with music to make me feel better in any situation. Some great examples was during this last break up, the song "Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica made me realize I was doing the right thing by leaving him. I swear that song was written for me as well as "End of Me".  Also when I'm feeling down on myself I listen to "Sing" by My Chemical Romance and that makes me realize that I gotta keep trucking and I can do it. Going back to dancing though... I gotta sign up for that Lady Gaga class.. I'm just so nervous that either I will have too much going on to really do it or it will be a waste of money I can't decide... >.< I know I should just do it!

20. I am capable of almost anything I set my mind to.
The only reason why I don't say always anything is because I did fail on my last project for my master's degree. But I have gotten into two schools that normally wouldn't take another look at me but because I worked my ass off and sold myself to them they took me on. And I am very proud of that accomplishment for getting into UD even though I wasn't the best student in high school (granted i had a 3.7 but at my school that is not fantastic) and I got into UMD even though it took me 3 times to get the right scores on the GRE. I can do it. I also did my literature review, I did projects as an undergrad, I even got paid to go to graduate school. If i want to do it... chances are I will suceed as long as I focus!

So we have confirmation... D is ok (granted he didn't tell me but I see he has been active on POF :-\). So I am super relieved that he is ok cause I was worried. But now... I'm really hurt by all this... I started to trust him and I guess he just lied to me... that or he is a bigger commitment-o-phobe than I have ever met. But you know what... whatever... I will eventually find someone who is ready to take that next step... even if it means joining Eharmony. I think if i ever join it will be eharmony. Cause that site is meant for serious relationships and honestly thats what I'm ready for. :)

Well my advisor is still out sick. :( I am so sad about it and while I'm praying she pulls through soon and such... this is taking a major toll on my research and degree... I'm wondering if this is the universe's way of saying YO YOU REALLY NEED TO SWITCH. :-\ ugh I can't deal with all this crap. If only my master's degree hasn't been so complicated as it has been. Some time I will eventually get this stupid degree and I will eventually get to see a career counselor and eventually figure out what exactly I am meant to do in my life and who I am meant to be with... I'm just impatient and I want to know now though :P

Had a great weekend at the Cabin with Daddy and Kelsey. :) Lots of love and fun and well hootin and hollerin! I want to go back to the cabin already. :(

Ok readers... until next time :)

Number 17

17. I don't need a man, but I do want to share my life with someone.

I don't think that I need a man but life is meant for two people to be together and share their experiences with each other, get through the tough times, get married, and have children. I have only recently realized "I don't need a man but I want one". I used to be so determined to date the next guy that came my way with a half decent personality and I'd over look the flaws and try to see the good in them. Well we all know how THAT goes hahaha. I am so happy for couples that I know who are getting married, engaged, etc some are even having kids and I think that is so crazy and well to be bluntly honest I'm super jealous (granted I can DEFINITELY wait til I've been married for a few years before babies come into the picture haha). I keep hoping that maybe someone will show their true feelings for me and treat me well.

D has dropped off the planet and well... I dunno if he is hurt or if he is just going to be a boy and not text me back ever again *shakes head* honestly though... whatever... if he wants to be immature and not text me ever again and hope i'll just disappear...thats his own damn problem not mine. I'm not some person who is going to get upset if you tell me your not interested... I can handle it trust me even if I like you. Because I'm not the begging type for a relationship... well at least not any more that is. I'm not going to beg someone for a relationship with me if they don't want it. If a marriage were to ever work out... it has to be wanted by both parties for sure not just one hahaha.

Come on Prince Charming... if you can come out of the woodworks and admit your feelings for me and I to you... I will be the happiest girl in the world :D.

Ok readers well I'm going to disappear until Sunday night! I get to go to the cabin this weekend for fathers day with my wonderful dad and sister :). Haven't been in sooooo long so I'm really excited. I think I'm going to take all my bug hunting equipment and try to get some cool stuff... oh and take my camera as well. :) I guess I should get packing.

Advisor is still in the hospital, please send prayers and positive energy her way!

Number 16

    16. I get stressed too easily.

This is super true. I get so worked up over nothing all the time. I wish I wouldn't put such a crazy burden on myself all the time and be such a damn perfectionist. Its like I expect everything to be perfect, everything goes right, people do what they say they were going to do, etc etc. But life isn't that way and I know it so I dunno why i expect absolute perfection out of everything. I kinda had a rough morning and I have been overthinking things which is one of my worst habits but I should just relax and what I am overthinking about is probably nothing.

My advisor is still in the hospital so another meeting goes down the drain. I guess I am going to the cabin this weekend after all I think. She needs to rest and just not come back until Monday and then we can regroup and tackle this thing head on. She wanted the experiements to start TUESDAY!?!?! Ummmm where were we gonna allocate 1600 birds by TUESDAY?? I am pretty sure it wouldn't happen. Good gracious.

Well fingers crossed that my evening goes better. I hate rainy days, they always make me so depressed. :-\ Maybe I will play some video games tonight. I am kinda at a loss of what I am feeling right now. Its very weird... I blame the weather and the craziness of this project. *sigh* I just want this stuff to go away and I can be back to giggly happy Becca.

Just a tad late...

I decided what would be really fun and kind of self-empowering would be to write 23 things for each year I have been here that I learned on each day til I turn 23. That being said i now need to put down the 15 for up to today. The goal is to come to terms with some things as well as try to make plans to fix any bad things.

1. I am thrifty. Not a bad thing although I could definitely stand to learn to extreme coupon.
2. I am lazy and a procrastinator... this entry is a great example! :P Hahahaha. I need to learn to be more on top of things and not leave it to the last minute... otherwise I will stress myself out to no end hahaha.
3. I am too nice to people. I don't tell people like it is all the time, I have been getting better at it and tried to not lie even if it'd hurt their feelings... but at least I don't gossip behind their backs! :)
4. I care too much about what people think of me. This I have worked on ALOT after being single for a few months now. I have slowly begun teaching myself people won't always like me and I gotta get over it and adopt the attitude its their loss or its no skin off my nose cause I don't want any one around me who doesn't like me. Hahaha I mean makes sense... right?
5. I am addicted to caffeine. I drink WAY too much soda and it also has to do with the carbonation. I know it makes me bloated and I know what happens when I stop but its just so damn good to drink! I need to get back onto water... so to encourage that... I bought a costco membership so I can go and buy the cases of water to encourage water drinking. I need to do it... if not for appearance for my health.
6. I love video games. They are such a great relaxing way for me to just be someone else. I love that they make me frustrated and give me something to do. I love being an assassin, a zombie killer, a pinata, etc etc. Its so much fun to let your imagination run rampant and blow off some steam in the process.
7. I love asking why and how. I'm a naturally curious girl. If something is left unknown I puzzle over it for hours and hours until I either exhaust myself or find the answer. I think this is why I make a great scientist personally :). This goes for any puzzles too... I love trying to figure out things and brain teasers and the like.
8. I am a klutz. I mean really who trips on a bump in carpet while skipping and comes out with a concussion and crutches for a week?
9. I am graceful. When I'm concentrating like when doing anything musically related I can be really graceful when I'm on task... or so I have been told.
10. I am too careful/perfectionist. I am a natural worry wart and I try to do everything to a T even if it takes a long time. Recently though I have been trying to lessen the pressure on myself. So what if I don't do the assays perfect? At least I was pretty damn close! I also worry that the worst will always happen but I like to believe that means I prepare for everything.
11. I am fortunate. I really am. I have a lot going for me, and sometimes its hard to see but once you befriend those less fortunate than you... its a real eye opener I think. I am very thankful to have all the things that I do have.
12. I am open-minded. I think that everyone has a good arguement on most issues. There are select issues where I think the opposition is just plain wrong but with good arguements I can accept and agree with on certain degrees. Everyone has their own beliefs... we are only human... it'd be boring as hell if we all had the same beliefs.
13. I am intelligent. This one has always been a struggle for me because my grades are never the best but thats just me... grades don't grade my intelligence level. If I wasn't intelligent then I wouldn't be where I am now and doing the things I'm doing and excelling in this super difficult program.
14. Everything happened in my life for a reason and it was a learning experience. "Good judgement comes from experience, even though experience can come from bad judgement." A lot of stuff has happened to me in my past, and rather than dwell on that stuff I learned from the situations and use what I learned to assess situations and such.
15. I have a connection to animals. I really do. I almost feel like I can talk to them. Crazy? Maybe I am but I really feel like sometimes they can tell me what is going on. I love interacting with animals even if they are mean. Dumble is a great example... rather than do horrible things to me after he bit me and blame him I blamed myself for not reading his warning signs and I helped him through his aggression and now he is fine.

So that is my list caught up so far! I have the list in front of me and I want to write it now but well I don't wanna ruin it hahaha.

So I'm supposed to go to the cabin this weekend but I'm not sure if I can or not because of this project. We got the numbers and stuff all done but now we gotta formulate diets :-\ urgh not looking forward to that. I really hope I can go to the cabin this weekend I really miss it and my dad and sister.

In other news... I told D how I'm feeling and I'm glad I did. We will just have to see what comes out of this friendship :).

First Motorcycle Ride!

So last night I was supposed to hang out with one of the guys I had been talking to but unfortunately he had some work to catch up on and I encouraged him to get that done and we could hang out another time. And I mean it I feel like guys are so freaked about cancelling that it will have a negative impact on what I think of them and it really doesn't... if you got shit to do... seriously go do it! I expect you to let me go do my shit when stuff comes up for me so its only fair for me to give you the same courtesy. :P

ANYWHO... so I ended up chatting with D, another guy I have been talking to and he told me it would be a fantastic night for me to experience my first motorcycle ride. Of course me being the scaredy cat that I am I'm freaking out but I'm trying to act all tough cause I wanted him to like me but I was so scared and I'm sure I let some of it show. But he was great! He gave me a jacket with protective padding built in, gloves, and a full on helment so I felt a little better and he made me wear boots and long pants so I knew he knew what he was doing and was looking out for my safety to make me feel comfortable. So I get out there and I'm shaking in my boots (literally) at whats going to happen and well I just did it. And man am I glad I did it :). It was SOOOOOOOOOO much fun! I have no idea how long we were out there or where we were (he revealed later he got lost at one point hahaha) but I LOVED it. It was fantastic scenery and a great experience! It was definitely not as scary as I was imagining it would be and he was good to ride in residential where he could stop and make sure I was doing ok before doing the country roads. Hahahaha. And all the houses we were passing I wanted! Hahahaha I really liked that area out there! A lot of homes I would love to one day have with a family hahaha.

Onto OTHER good news I got the official word that my literature review was finally acceptable! *YAY* I am SO freaking excited. I am going to meet with her tomorrow about my upcoming project and what I am going to do.  Ahhhhhhh yayyyyyy! I'm so happy i finally have stuff going great for me! I believe I am going to stay with this advisor unless some crazy ass opportunity comes forward for me :P.

More good news... I am going to start a dance class I believe here soon where its centered around Lady Gaga and Hip Hop which is super exciting to me! I miss dancing so much! I can't wait to get started on it. But I haven't signed up yet, I can't decide if I want to go to a few drop ins just to make sure it isn't too easy... I hate not so challenging classes and I don't want to spend 200 if I'm going to be bored and not get a good work out... I'd rather do a crap ton of drop in classes and what not :P.

Ahhhhhh its so good! Off to go do some after the fact research and such and then go home and play some more assassins creed :P

O_O Ok enoughs enough...

Dating (aka going out to eat all the freaking time) seems to have had a negative effect on my weight. I know I'm not FAT I mean I am pretty damn average if I do say so myself (and what weight/height charts tell me I am smack dab on average). BUT personally... this is unacceptable. So beginning today June 13th, 2011 I am going to make sure I start working out daily. I packed a pair of gym shorts and I am going to make myself go to my fitness center before even going back to my apartment... I figure if I get into my apartment I'm doomed and won't do anything even though I do have a few work out videos. Now I just gotta decide if I want to just start going to the gym to run or bike or if I want to go onto a program like crossfit, P90X, or 30 Day shred. My problem is the eating habits I have as far as pickiness. Being "allergic" (we'll just say that cause I dunno what it is) to fruits and veggies really sucks... I have tried to eat them but I always end up getting sick! Whatever hahaha.

Basically my goal is to get rid of the tummy and leg fat without getting rid of the two B's (boobs and butt :P). But of course its hard to trim down and not affect one or the other. Hmmm off to do some hardcore research on what program I should do...

Man I am SPACING today I was supposed to do some other stuff and I totally get sidetracked hahaha. I have totally been all "ok so if I do... BUTTERFLY! ^_^" hahahaha. Of course no butterflies in my office (or outside its COLD today) but you get my picture hahaha.

I had an... interesting weekend hahaha. I went out Friday night for the first time with girls in like forever to a party then we went out to a dance club where I proceeded to realize that D.C. is mostly girls compared to Philly and not as fun... but then some SUPER drunk guy came up and was dancing with me and proceeded to grab me and try to take me outside!?!?! Um NOT ok dude! Luckily I got down and got my friend to come help me out and we escaped without injuries hahahahah. But then we were on the subway and we were talking to an extremely drunk dude about his girlfriend and how he loves her but she is being a bitch... oh my we were attracting the weirdos that night hahaha. Then I went out to Annapolis on Saturday and we proceeded to find out that they don't accept juvenile licenses there which is lame cause in VA you don't get a new license until 24 or 25... so I still got a few more years to go! Hahaha. Oh well that just meant we went back and drank at the house :D hahahaha. Not a big deal :). I also discovered recently that dating older guys isn't bad or weird but I guess it depends on the guy hahaha. But either way!

I am soooo freaking bored here at work! :( blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh ok i dunno if my advisor will ever show up I am going to say if not by 3pm then whateves I am going home to work out or out to buy a workout tape or something of some sort hahaha. I will lose this damn weight! I'm only 25 lbs from where I was in high school and looking back I was tiny back then (even though of course then you thought you were big haha). But if I continue to lose more weight... NOT going to complain hahaha.

Beliefs and Dating

One thing that I am finding to be really difficult and interesting about dating is clashing viewpoints. I am not the average girl (it should be woman but girl sounds more catchy haha) in that I'm very liberal and not christian. That has proven to be quite a taxing challenge for me in the dating world. A lot of the guys I am meeting are either racist or against gays or really religious. The thing that started to get to me is what if you really like someone but their beliefs make you want to scream? Or what if they are fine on almost all of your beliefs except one? Does that mean they aren't compatible with you? I dunno, see I went out with a guy recently who I agreed with pretty much 100% until he said one thing that really turned me off. Thing is its about something that he has yet to experience... could he really know what he would do in said situation? Its a mystery I suppose. But then that got me thinking about all the other guys I dated who I thought shared the same beliefs with me and how they lied to me and told me later on it was so my feelings weren't hurt. Well I don't give a shit bluntly. If you don't agree with me and I am a pretty strong person in my beliefs, and you think you can argue with me better/change me the longer we date then you got another thing coming. I prefer to be outright in what is going on, what I believe in, etc etc, and if they don't like it then not a big deal... then it just won't work out... or could it? I dunno I have never successfully dated someone with differing opinions than me. I imagine that as long as the two aren't hard headed its fine but you never know! I mean I'm pretty set on my beliefs and that is that everyone is who they are, I don't judge anyone for their beliefs, no one is wrong except hateful people who "know" they are right. Its kind of like enlightenment... I think that everyone has a right to beleive what they want and there are (almost) always good arguments on every side but at the same time I am firmly a believer in people can be who they want to be, whether a guy who wants to be a woman, a homosexual, a nudist, buddhist, muslim, etc. Plus who wants to live in a boring world where everyone is the same? But now my question is where do you draw the line for dating? When it becomes offensive? But what really is offensive? Can it be an immediate offense and as long as they are not crazy crazy about it its fine? or does it have to be ongoing before you decide this person isn't for you. Also how similar or disimilar should interests be? Hahaha do you date someone with similar interests or someone with completely opposing? I guess it depends on the person really. I mean I don't want to date my twin cause then that'd be boring but at the same time I don't want to be with someone I can't relate to at all.

As you can tell i'm a tad philosophical today and I dunno why. I think I'm having weird thoughts about dating in general and stuff. I can't decide if its cause all the guys out here are jerks and everyone that I have met I'm just not compatible with (exception being maybe last night and a few weeks ago) or if it is that I have been too picky. I think this calls for some religious intervention, circle style! :D I think I need to do another mending a broken heart spell... cause lets face it even though i put on the tough show and all... I'm still hurting from what has been done to me. I mean its a shocker I trust any guy at all (I'm actually wondering if I can even do that) I question what everone says and I overanalyze it thinking they are going to lie but I really shouldn't let all of my rotten apples spoil the bunch, you know? I can't decide what my brain is trying to tell me. I know there is a message there but it is failing to see it. All I have is hope that one day I will know who I am supposed to be with and I know I will love him and have children with him and let my children decide their own paths. I just am ready to settle... I'm tired of dating, its emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. I won't settle for anyone though (see previous post) but I do want to find that one person to grow old with and have children with. Quote picture of the day:

Pretty much sums up what I have been feeling. Well I hope someone really catches my attention and shows me that they won't hurt me. Cause I am afraid of being hurt, but for the right person I will overcome that fear again. :)

Weekend Just for Me! :)

Well I'm glad I did it. I decided that this past weekend I didn't want to go on any dates, didn't want to go out to meet a bunch of people, and so I hung out at my pool all weekend got some awesome sun tan and enjoyed the weather and time for my self... oh and plenty of Assassins Creed (so much so that I dreamt I was an assassin last night *screwy* hahaha.).

I also read the new House of Night novel "Awakened" by P.C. and Kirsten Cast this weekend. I stayed up until 2am finishing it! It was sooooooooooooooo freaking good! And what was actually kinda funny about it was a lot of the love messages it had in it. It made me kinda sad though cause I wished for a little that I was Zoey with a Guardian like Stark or I was Stevie Rae with Rephaim. Ugh why can't I have those strong feelings with someone. Where is my boyfriend!!! Hahahaha.

Oh well I will just have to wait to find him I suppose. Or let him find me :P. Just got to keep reminding myself:

Assay training is going very well! I spilled a few things (oops) but my numbers were spot on! yayyyyyy!!! Now my schedule is opening up hahaha. But that is only because there is not much to do (and she is not here). I'm actually probably done for the day and now i gotta decide what to do... do I stay here and feign work to make an appearance... or do I go home or do I mess around with my literature review... ugh I don't want to mess around with my literature review especially since it is "supposedly" done -_- but at the same time I haven't heard from her in some time so I am wondering if she wants me to continue to add stuff to it... ugh whatever I hope that I do get to switch advisors. I can't all this uncertainty.

Promises to myself while dating:

1. I will not date a boy, I will only date men (age has nothing to do with this statement; maturity does).
2. I will not date a guy who isn't going places OR thinks that he is done bettering himself.
3. I will not date a close-minded person.
4. I will only date guys who are willing to be patient with me and my schedule.
5. I will only date guys who are capable of committing for the long run.
6. I will only date guys who have no history of either physically or mentally abusing their girlfriends.
7. I will not date a guy who is incapable of making me feel loved or giddy.
8. I will not date a clinger.
9. I will not date someone who can not make me laugh out loud or smile really big when i think of them daily.
10. I will not date someone who has used me or has only one intention of being with me even if they developed feelings for me after the fact.
11. I will not date someone who smokes or does any kind of recreational drug.
12. Drinking is a 2 edged sword, I like to drink but not to the point of black outs, this is the line I want my significant other to share with me.
13. I will always always ALWAYS follow my gut about someone.
14. I will not date someone who doesn't trust me or who constantly analyzes me to their horrible exes or else they will soon assume I will be just like their ex.
15. I will not date a guy who won't talk to me about their job/daily routine.
16. I will not date someone who is afraid of marriage and/or doesn't want kids.
17. I will not date someone who is incapable of being my cheerleader on my rough days.
18. I will not date someone who is unemployed/living with parents/not looking for employment/trust fund baby who thinks they don't have to do anything in life to be successful cause they already are.
19. I will not date people who can not speak or enunciate words properly.
20. I will not date a guy who thinks that money is everything and that it can buy my love.
21. I will not date someone who keeps me guessing on their intentions.
22. I will not date someone who hates music.
23. I will not date someone who can't see the opposition in an arguement.
24. I will not date someone who believes they are always right and can admit defeat when need be but not give up too soon.
25. I will not date someone who does not love themseleves but at the same time is not narcisistic. I want someone who walks the fine line of confidence/love of themselves and egotistical beast.
26. I will not date someone who feels the need to alert the world about their life more than once a day on facebook and also whose posts consist mainly of them failing at finding a love interest

This list was put together by me I may add or delete or tweak it here and there but one of the lovely ladies on MSOS put up hers and it made me think about what I should be doing. I haven't exactly held true to all of these rules for myself but you know I need to shape up and start doing these things for myself! I have been single for over 2 months now and that is INSANE to me hahaha. I usually just hop back into a relationship but now I'm finally seeing that I really need to watch for what I want and if I want to be a sucessful woman in the future I need to find someone who is willing and capable of being my soul mate or my prince charming. I have been talking to several guys that are peaking my interest but I gotta see if there are physical attractions in person. That is the major thing. I don't want to date someone that I don't feel attracted to! Hahaha. I am also being a tad more open minded in dating... as far as background goes. Here is my fave quote I found for today:

I had a great day to myself yesterday :). I played my brand new keyboard and Assassins Creed: Brotherhood alllllllll day yesterday :). I also watched Avatar with my good friend as well :). Its lining up to be a busy weekend with meeting people and hanging out and all sorts of madness! I just hope I can have some time to relaaaaax. This weekend though I am setting my standards down and putting my foot down. I'm done settling! I'm ready to find my prince charming and feel those butterflies again but at the same time... I can wait for the right man... he just has to want to find me too. :)

Got some bling! :P hahaha

Got my nose pierced with my best gal pal who decided last minute to come visit me from DE! Man was that a fun day just to hang out, get the toes done, go fight with a radio shack about how they suck at customer service and finally end it with the piercing! It hurt a little at first but you know what I think I look HAWT in it so I'm not going to complain for as little as I paid for great GREAT service. Could tell the piercer really knew what he was doing! Ultimately i am very happy with the piercing and my mom actually said it looked great! Hahaha that was a surprise for sure but I think since its sooooo subtle it just adds to my beauty ;). Hahahaha but I do think that once it heals up I will change it for a hoop for concerts and keep a stud in it for other occassions. I like the subtleness of my stud :D. hehehe.

My meeting with the committee.. well... we'll just say it was frustrating but I stood up for myself for sure. I still have yet to hear from my advisor about my literature review which is frustrating the hell out of me! But you know its to be expected I guess. :-\ I'm still waiting to hear if i'm getting a new advisor or not... its been so crazy and hectic... now all I'm doing at work is working on training in the lab and I haven't heard her tell me other wise so I guess my literature review is to her liking finally. Although I just want to switch and get it over with I don't mind working for her in her lab... but i can't be her student any more... I'm so uninformed and so misused that it just drives me up the wall in this lab.

Oh well no matter... birthday countdown begins today! Wooooooot!!! I can't waiiiiit although nothing is going to happen for my birthday i'm sure :-\ except experiments and stuff. But you know maybe i'll be pleasantly surprised :D. Maybe I'll meet my prince charming by then ;). I have really surprised myself as far as love goes... I still have yet found someone that makes me happy although now i'm deciding if i'm being too picky or if its I'm finally going with my gut and letting the person come to me who i really want... know what i mean? I mean i haven't even really noticed the fact that i don't have a boyfriend... it doesn't bother me this time... i think its cause i'm so busy in general and busy going out on dates but at the same time... meh I dunno... all I know is I am happy with where i am at currently and I'm going to continue to only follow the path that makes me happy. Thats what its all about right? I will find the right guy here eventually... I just gotta kiss a few toads before I find that one special one! :D

Well I'm going to head home early... it appears my lab is not going to get reviewed/i don't want to be reviewed cause i know nothing about the protocols and such and i don't want to be the reason the school doesn't get accredited hahaha. Off to apartment hunt and keyboard hunt! Awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy hahaha. :P

Oh and I got my first soldier to write to from Soldier's Angels! Yayyyyyy i can't wait! I may go get some cute stationary while i'm out too... i need stamps too! I know i have some just wherrrrrrrrreeeeeee????


<3 })i({

Meetings, Men, and Mothers OH MY!

The three big M's in my life at the moment! Hahaha. Damn I feel like there is so much going on I'm kind of getting to the point where I'M wondering how I do it all! I been having such a whirlwind of varying emotions this week any where from lovey dovey to doom and gloom; happy confident to depressed and unsure. Its all over the place and I don't think its cause I'm unstable mentally or anything... its just things keep popping up, things change, people change, people show you their true colors and I'm just sick of all this change but you know at least I'm learning to deal with it. I'm going to break down my entry today into these three big M's and this post may get long and rambly...  but I'm bored at work so hear me out as I vent/complain/worry and such because I don't want to break down to any potential guys just yet haha.

1) Meetings
Today is a very VERY big day for me and I'm freaking out. Today I meet with my committee for my thesis. I'm nervous because I STILL have yet to receive comments on my literature review which was supposed to be final and one of the people on my committee is one of the professor's who is strongly urging me to switch advisors. I'm really nervous cause I don't want to talk to her about it until I know how she liked my review and I hear back from any one willing to take on a Master's student. I have heard from one new faculty that he is interested in meeting with me but he wants a PhD student. At this point I'm debating just going for it... problem is I worry that if I do go for it... will I be doomed to be a college professor forever? Do I want to do that? Do I want the ability to research and teach at the same time.. you know it just kind of dawned on me its a possibility. My BIGGEST issue with that is this... I want a family when I eventually get married. I can NOT wait to be a mom. And I worry cause some professors are just so busy and its just so crazy to see them try and have lives while doing it! I think I need to speak with a career counselor about that cause like i said having a family is a HUGE deal to me and I don't want a career to come in the way of that. Either way I'm just all up in knots over this meeting today! I really hope it doesn't turn into a all out every man for themselves' brawl about what I should be doing next or worse the option about me switching or being let go comes up and I lose pay for the summer... until someone can take me on. I'm debating should I continue to e-mail other advisors too? Hmmm. Either way... this past year has been a lot of work and I know some may feel like it was a waste but I don't see ANYTHING as a waste, this would only be a waste if I quit my degree entirely! But for now its a learning experience that made me learn to be a better scientific writer and well as much as I hated it... I'm glad I learned :)

2) Men
Oh lord... where do I BEGIN!? hahaha. The funny thing is this post pertains to both men and boys. How do I differentiate the two? Men know how to treat women correctly (ie not a sex toy or piece of meat you can fuck and then drop the next day) and also do not bitch like a high school girl (see earlier post about Grow a Pear) and boys... well you get the picture haha! So I have been hanging out with many guys as we all know, and well I've met some boys too obviously or I wouldn't be venting right? hahaha. I love how they stop talking to you as soon as they find out they aren't getting any and then later its like "OH HAI!? CAN HAS SECKS NAOW?!" -_-. Ummmm still a negatory ghost rider! I am not in the whole dating scene for the sex... in fact that is the exact opposite! I do want a relationship and just cause I'm hanging around and waiting does NOT mean that I'm just going around sleeping around. It means I am taking my grand old time with it and I am being patient. Its NOT that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just want to take my time getting to know guys and you can't get to know them on a first date. Granted... I do believe first dates are for putting out the feelers so to speak and seeing if they'd get along with you and if your compatible if there is a spark etc etc. You know? I mean i'm almost 23... granted that is still REALLY young but then again I'm kind of advance for my age I think. I am ready to have a relationship, i'm ready to get engaged, I'm ready to be married... but obviously I don't want to rush that because I want to be confident that I'm not going to divorce them and I think it takes some time to figure out if that will happen... at least a year or so... thats when the real side of your SO comes out although some guys are apparently REALLY good at supressing their bad side for longer but you know I feel like I can trust my gut fairly well and right now... its saying wait it out so thats exactly what I'm going to do.

As far as the going between happy and depressed thing though... I gotta say there are times where I'm like.. damn I am enjoying just getting to know people before jumping headlong into a relationship but at the same time... I will get that stab of I really need someone to talk to me right now and I really want a boyfriend who can be here on my off days and just hold me. I really really miss that. I just want someone who will come see me whenever I need them, who will hold me tell me it will be ok, supports me in all of what I want to do. The last thing has ALWAYS been a big problem for me... I have found so many people who are so stuck on their agendas and what THEY want ME to do that they don't think about maybe I want to do what I want to do not what you always want to do. It has NOTHING to do with me being selfish or me not caring about you because even if the person I love wants to do somethign I'm not to fond of and its something they really want to do... I'd support them through it... I wouldn't make them follow MY agenda. Even in a marriage I don't think thats right. If its what my partner wants (outside polygamy i don't tolerate that hahah) then I will support them cause it makes them happy... and i expect my partner to do the same for me. Is it so hard to ask for someone willing to help me through my tough times and will talk to me. I also want to feel those butterflies I had for the past relationships I had... but I don't want what happened to them to follow and I think thats the problem... I'm so just not trusting at the moment and I think its clouding my judgement. But for once in my life i'm listening to my gut so i'm going to just listen to it. I just hope other people respect the fact that i'm listening to my gut and doing what i want rather than doing what is on their agenda as far as I go.

3) Mothers
Where would I be without my momma. :) Um I wouldn't exist thats for sure hahaha. I love my mom sooo much. She is always there, she is always right, you know what its like. And I think its just that I'm SO freaking excited to one day be a mom. I think that is probably the most rewarding job at all. I wouldn't mind not having a career to be a mom. But at the same time I want a career so I can provide an awesome life for my kids whenver I have them. I think that is one thing I am using as a big judgement in who I date... is I want to be with someone who loves kids as much as I do but at the same time... i don't want to date someone who has kids already... i'm not really at that age I don't think. But I just can't wait to experience it all. I will feel fully accomplished when that day arrives :).

Yeah all these three M's definitely coincide with each other and run alot in between. I just am so... confused I guess about what I want but I hope someone eventually can show me that what I want exists and that they are willing to go the distance for me :) I will be in heaven the day that that comes.

And a BIG shout out goes to the ladies of MSOS... without them... I'd still be in my shitty relationship, still sulking, and forever hopeless about my life. :) I may not be a military SO any more... but you know its nice to know that there are ladies there who will always have your back and are there to support you :). Shout out to my bffffffffff she knows who she is :P. I love you girl and I miss living with you... we need to live together and share our lives again! :D

Until next time readers :)

Success Part 2? haha

Well I had to submit yet again (surprise) my literature review today at like 12. I think i am pretty happy with it. As happy as I will ever be with it until I can switch advisors. Which by the way I got the go ahead to start searching for a new advisor... problem is i have yet to find someone with the funds and time willing to take on a new master's student. :-\ Oh well gotta keep trying thats for sure!

I'm debating getting my hair cut up to my jaw line... I think it'd look cute but at the same time... i don't want it to look weird hahaha. I ALSO want to get my nose pierced... but i don't want my parents to freak not that I should really care... I am almost 23 after all... its just i don't like them getting on my case about crap know what I mean? Hahaha I could do without it. But I also want a tattoo... decisions decisions thats for sure!

Still having luck in the love life! :) Taking it nice and slow! So proud of myself. Granted there are some guys that I would date/go out with exclusively in a heart beat but I'm kind of taking the time to make sure I get to know who they are. I think its cause I have come to the conclusion I want someone who is ready to take that next step. I'm ready to find my one and only and you know within the next 10 years start a family and I feel like I'm wasting my time by not being with him but at the same time I don't want to marry the next guy that asks me on a date hahaha. Obviously gotta take my time on that one. So I think I'm ready... bring on the serious men looking for their one and only and want kids too :).

Early morning sampling tomorrow for school *dead* can't wait... off to go clean my apartment now! Ex's sister is FINALLY coming to pick up his car! :D I can't wait to have all of his stuff and his negative crap out of my life. I have been so much happier with out that stuff! Now I won't have to worry about any of it at all now.

Epic WIN!

:D AAAAAAAHHHHHH sweet success is in the air. Even though I didn't really get to completely finish my lit review like I know she probably wants... I think I did a whole lot in general! And I had my review this morning for how I have been doing as a student and they see I am not doing anything wrong its just... yeeeeeeeeeah. <3 I am so happy finally and I maybe FINALLY getting a new phone and that SUPER DUPER excites me cause I hate this stupid blackberry with a passion. I am debating on an iphone or a droid *thinking* hmmmm I dunno I will have to go and play with them and figure out what I want but I'm thinking its going to be iphone FTW :P.

Back to love life... well you know its been great! I have been talking to some cool people... some not so cool people... but you know it is what it is. I've been super proud of myself I have been very cautious and not quick to jump into a relationship this time. Its just not worth it you know? I feel kind of bad that some of these guys are like yo relationship now but at the same time if they really liked me I think they'd let me have my space. Either way I don't really care about making other people happy atm I am just trying to do what is right for myself and that may mean hurting some other people's feelings but you know it is what it is honestly.

There is definitely someone though that I am thinking maybe right for me. Its definitely been a so far so good. And it is super refreshing to hear encouragement in my field and the offering of help as well. It really means a lot to me especially because obviously the last boyfriend absolutely hated my job and wanted me to quit for various reasons. And well to put it bluntly I don't quit. I try to find alternative means to get what i want (legally and fairly of course :P). And any ways thats what a partner/relationship is for right? Support and encouragement right?

I am not settling any time soon though... not until my net has been sufficiently cast and I feel certain in my decision. I think this is because ultimately... I do want to find a husband soonish but I'm not going to rush into anything obviously because that is a big deal and I wont' be an idiot and rush into a marriage just to find out a divorce is needed hahaha. I like to count my chickens (hehe) before going to market hahaha.

Well until next time readers... adios :)

Things are going well!

The literature review is due on the 10th! I am proud to say that I have cut my distractions almost in half if not all of them this past week ;). I am starting to finally feel confident in getting this work finished. I am really panicing about the review of my year though but they told me just say whats on my mind and I should be ok :). I am also nervous what she is going to say but at least I will have all my work done. If she has a problem with it... oooooh dept. chair! Hahaha.

So onto my love life. So I have been single for over a month now. That is almost a record for me sadly hahahaha. But you know what... this is the FIRST time I have been happy with where I am and happy to not have someone else to deal with. I don't need extra super drama in my life. Thats the last thing I need and as we saw earlier... it super duper kept me busy and distracted when there was fighting and crap. I am determined this time to date people and see what I like and what I don't like. I'm not committing to ANY ONE for awhile unless it feels super right. While I will admit there are a few people who have really caught my eye... I'm not any where near ready to commit to any one. Its going to take some super getting to know them before I really do so. I told at least one of them if not all of them that I'm determined that the next person I date should be the one which is why I'm being super picky and maybe even a little judgemental too.

I think the best thing about dating around is you pick out all the jealous types super early :P. If they get all antsy when they find out I am seeing a lot of people and get all possessive its easy "BYE!" hahahaha. I hang out with guys and I do still talk to old flings or exes so I mean they gotta be able to handle that hahaha. I'm not looking to please any one but myself for now. I have put so much effort and energy into all my past relationships without asking for anything and its about time I learn to ask for some help and love before I give it hahaha.

I am really excited about where my life has been heading and I can only hope that it continues to go up from here and maybe in the next few months someone will finally prove to me that there is a MAN out there for me... because I am really tired of dating boys :P

Very appropriate for some guys I meet and what turns me off... gotta love some of Ke$ha's stuff hahaha.

You should know
That I love you alone
But I just can’t date a dude with a vag

When we fell in love
You made my heart drop
And you had me thinking ‘bout you nonstop
That you cried ‘bout this and whine about that
When you grow a pear
You can call me back

Yeah I think you’re hot
I think you’re alright
But you’re acting like the chick all the time
You are cool and now you’re not just like that
When you grow a pear
You can call me back

*sigh*

Man I am just brain dead all of a sudden! I hate feeling so brain dead but you know I worked my butt off this week. I just hope it will be good enough for my advisor. Oh well if not at least I know I am doing my best. :)

Life has been great recently though! I have been following my own path, doing things that I want to do and not worrying about what others want from me or what they want me to do. I am just really excited I am finally sticking up for myself and getting my work done and doing the things that are best for me. hehehehe. I have been going out, meeting new people, talking to new friends, its been lots of fun! Finally! I love new friends.

Ok I am tired I'm not gonna bother with this any more for the night :P It is beddy bye time ;)

And so it begins... AGAIN!

Due to the fact that my first blog I just don't want to deal with any more... cause I am not with him any more. And honestly... for the first time in a long long time... I am not looking for a relationship. Granted... I joined POF again... but for now its my way of getting to know people while I do nothing at my apartment but work on my thesis and it gives me opportunities to go out and explore D.C. with other people. I love everyone at school but at the same time you get to talk to some extraordinary people when you open up the possibilities to meeting people online. Also I love science... but I don't want to be with a scientist hahaha it would just get really annoying hahahaha.

So far... I have only had 2 meetings (I don't call them dates unless its a second time I think cause that means there is interest) that I think are good. Others though were just either weird or awkward hahaha. I mean it happens. The most important thing is I don't want any pressure from any one and as soon as they start pressuring or start getting snipy with me for going to hang out with other guys... get the boot. Too controlling for me and I have had that WAY too much in the past couple years so its time I meet someone who gives me the leash that I give them. My philosophy... the more leash you give me the more likely I am to come back... the more you choke me and keep me on a tight leash... I'm going to want to escape for breathing room.

Recently though I've been talking to a few people who have piqued my interest. I'm getting really excited cause i like it when people don't pressure me to friend them on fb... give out my number... meet up asap... it just gets old. :-\ I want to see that someone is interested in getting to know me and then meeting up. Yeah physicality is a huge deal but at the same time... its important to get to know the person under the skin :)

Its getting to be warm outside so I can't wait to start going outside more and more. In other news... literature review is going well... FINALLY :D I have people on my side so all is good! Can't wait to start work this summer ;)