Meetings, Men, and Mothers OH MY!

The three big M's in my life at the moment! Hahaha. Damn I feel like there is so much going on I'm kind of getting to the point where I'M wondering how I do it all! I been having such a whirlwind of varying emotions this week any where from lovey dovey to doom and gloom; happy confident to depressed and unsure. Its all over the place and I don't think its cause I'm unstable mentally or anything... its just things keep popping up, things change, people change, people show you their true colors and I'm just sick of all this change but you know at least I'm learning to deal with it. I'm going to break down my entry today into these three big M's and this post may get long and rambly...  but I'm bored at work so hear me out as I vent/complain/worry and such because I don't want to break down to any potential guys just yet haha.

1) Meetings
Today is a very VERY big day for me and I'm freaking out. Today I meet with my committee for my thesis. I'm nervous because I STILL have yet to receive comments on my literature review which was supposed to be final and one of the people on my committee is one of the professor's who is strongly urging me to switch advisors. I'm really nervous cause I don't want to talk to her about it until I know how she liked my review and I hear back from any one willing to take on a Master's student. I have heard from one new faculty that he is interested in meeting with me but he wants a PhD student. At this point I'm debating just going for it... problem is I worry that if I do go for it... will I be doomed to be a college professor forever? Do I want to do that? Do I want the ability to research and teach at the same time.. you know it just kind of dawned on me its a possibility. My BIGGEST issue with that is this... I want a family when I eventually get married. I can NOT wait to be a mom. And I worry cause some professors are just so busy and its just so crazy to see them try and have lives while doing it! I think I need to speak with a career counselor about that cause like i said having a family is a HUGE deal to me and I don't want a career to come in the way of that. Either way I'm just all up in knots over this meeting today! I really hope it doesn't turn into a all out every man for themselves' brawl about what I should be doing next or worse the option about me switching or being let go comes up and I lose pay for the summer... until someone can take me on. I'm debating should I continue to e-mail other advisors too? Hmmm. Either way... this past year has been a lot of work and I know some may feel like it was a waste but I don't see ANYTHING as a waste, this would only be a waste if I quit my degree entirely! But for now its a learning experience that made me learn to be a better scientific writer and well as much as I hated it... I'm glad I learned :)

2) Men
Oh lord... where do I BEGIN!? hahaha. The funny thing is this post pertains to both men and boys. How do I differentiate the two? Men know how to treat women correctly (ie not a sex toy or piece of meat you can fuck and then drop the next day) and also do not bitch like a high school girl (see earlier post about Grow a Pear) and boys... well you get the picture haha! So I have been hanging out with many guys as we all know, and well I've met some boys too obviously or I wouldn't be venting right? hahaha. I love how they stop talking to you as soon as they find out they aren't getting any and then later its like "OH HAI!? CAN HAS SECKS NAOW?!" -_-. Ummmm still a negatory ghost rider! I am not in the whole dating scene for the sex... in fact that is the exact opposite! I do want a relationship and just cause I'm hanging around and waiting does NOT mean that I'm just going around sleeping around. It means I am taking my grand old time with it and I am being patient. Its NOT that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just want to take my time getting to know guys and you can't get to know them on a first date. Granted... I do believe first dates are for putting out the feelers so to speak and seeing if they'd get along with you and if your compatible if there is a spark etc etc. You know? I mean i'm almost 23... granted that is still REALLY young but then again I'm kind of advance for my age I think. I am ready to have a relationship, i'm ready to get engaged, I'm ready to be married... but obviously I don't want to rush that because I want to be confident that I'm not going to divorce them and I think it takes some time to figure out if that will happen... at least a year or so... thats when the real side of your SO comes out although some guys are apparently REALLY good at supressing their bad side for longer but you know I feel like I can trust my gut fairly well and right now... its saying wait it out so thats exactly what I'm going to do.

As far as the going between happy and depressed thing though... I gotta say there are times where I'm like.. damn I am enjoying just getting to know people before jumping headlong into a relationship but at the same time... I will get that stab of I really need someone to talk to me right now and I really want a boyfriend who can be here on my off days and just hold me. I really really miss that. I just want someone who will come see me whenever I need them, who will hold me tell me it will be ok, supports me in all of what I want to do. The last thing has ALWAYS been a big problem for me... I have found so many people who are so stuck on their agendas and what THEY want ME to do that they don't think about maybe I want to do what I want to do not what you always want to do. It has NOTHING to do with me being selfish or me not caring about you because even if the person I love wants to do somethign I'm not to fond of and its something they really want to do... I'd support them through it... I wouldn't make them follow MY agenda. Even in a marriage I don't think thats right. If its what my partner wants (outside polygamy i don't tolerate that hahah) then I will support them cause it makes them happy... and i expect my partner to do the same for me. Is it so hard to ask for someone willing to help me through my tough times and will talk to me. I also want to feel those butterflies I had for the past relationships I had... but I don't want what happened to them to follow and I think thats the problem... I'm so just not trusting at the moment and I think its clouding my judgement. But for once in my life i'm listening to my gut so i'm going to just listen to it. I just hope other people respect the fact that i'm listening to my gut and doing what i want rather than doing what is on their agenda as far as I go.

3) Mothers
Where would I be without my momma. :) Um I wouldn't exist thats for sure hahaha. I love my mom sooo much. She is always there, she is always right, you know what its like. And I think its just that I'm SO freaking excited to one day be a mom. I think that is probably the most rewarding job at all. I wouldn't mind not having a career to be a mom. But at the same time I want a career so I can provide an awesome life for my kids whenver I have them. I think that is one thing I am using as a big judgement in who I date... is I want to be with someone who loves kids as much as I do but at the same time... i don't want to date someone who has kids already... i'm not really at that age I don't think. But I just can't wait to experience it all. I will feel fully accomplished when that day arrives :).

Yeah all these three M's definitely coincide with each other and run alot in between. I just am so... confused I guess about what I want but I hope someone eventually can show me that what I want exists and that they are willing to go the distance for me :) I will be in heaven the day that that comes.

And a BIG shout out goes to the ladies of MSOS... without them... I'd still be in my shitty relationship, still sulking, and forever hopeless about my life. :) I may not be a military SO any more... but you know its nice to know that there are ladies there who will always have your back and are there to support you :). Shout out to my bffffffffff she knows who she is :P. I love you girl and I miss living with you... we need to live together and share our lives again! :D

Until next time readers :)